Date: Summer of ’07
Location: Cedar Falls, Iowa
Libation: A serious mixture of shit
So two of my Iowa buddies and a long time friend of mine head up to good ole’ Cedar Falls, Iowa for what other than a golf tournament run by a local sports bar. One of my friends from Iowa is rather excited about the tournament due to the fact that it is at a nice course and two of the people on our team had played golf collegiately. We arrive on Friday evening after what seemed to be 37 hours of looking at “non-eatin’ corn.” Obviously, what else is there to do in the hometown of the Panthers than start drinking the boringness of the town away. We begin a normal night of vacation drinking – from around 630pm to 600AM. Mind you the tee-time is 730AM. 45 minutes of sleep later, I am on a driving range hitting balls in the freezing cold in July. Miserable. Luckily, after 4 holes (3 birdies and an eagle..), God intervened and opened the heavens. Torrential downpours sent 155 young adults tearing toward the bar at 9AM. Hello, Mr. Screwdriver. The only way I could have gotten more OJ into my body is if while I was drinking it I was boning a box of Tropicana while some chick shoved full oranges in my brown eye.
We leave the golf course around 130PM. We needed lunch, so where do we go? Of course the bar that the tournament was sponsored by. We drink beers. Then mixed drinks and beers. Then beers. I think a quesadilla fit in there somewhere. After drinking there for several hours, we re-grouped at home to “go out.”
We hit a couple local hot spots that actually had women sans corn in their teeth and hair and we were DRUNK. Time to take shots. It’s around 11PM at this time. First few shots go down okay and then someone snuck a Jager in on me. Immediately run to the bathroom to crush the toilet with a full day’s work. Miraculously, as I stood over the toilet, I didn’t have to puke anymore! Hooray! Hey, while I’m in here I might as well pee, right? I begin to pee and then the vomit came back so violently I did not have time to stop peeing. I am looking down puking all over the toilet and floor as I rocket-piss through my puke stream on and above the tank and stall walls. It sounds like armageddon. I finally finish and turn around. Three dudes staring at me. I don’t flush.